Oh. My. Goodness.

Insanity: in-san-i-tee, noun


a) Extreme foolishness; folly; senselessness; foolhardiness
b) A foolish or senseless action, policy, statement, etc. 


Okay, to be honest, right now that's pretty much how I would describe my state of mind. This morning marked the beginning of month two. We started out with our third Fit Test. Everything was great, we were pumped, increased our reps on each exercise and were dripping in sweat by the end. All fine and dandy, right? 

Well... that was before we plugged in part 2. Yes. Today was a double session. All of us were secretly hoping for a short, but intense workout like we had experienced when we had to combine Pure Cardio with Cardio Abs (still killer, by the way). But, no. We started the routine and looked at the countdown timer. Every single one of us had an audible gasp of pain, disbelief, and horror. 

59:59. The countdown begins. 

What the heck? We have to do another HOUR of this stuff? I looked at my two siblings behind me and almost wanted to cry. I had already pushed myself to my max in order to beat my old rep-records on the Fit Test, and now I had to do another hour? My muscles were shaking, my quads were screaming out to beg me to just sit down. 

Instead, I heard Shaun's voice ring out as he started the warm up. 

Warm up? I've been doing this for half an hour already... I'm about as warm as I can get! 

With horror in our eyes, and shaky muscles, we all started going anyways. With each new exercise, each of us moaned, begging each other to just turn it off; all the while knowing that this was the real battle. Would we push through, or just quit. 

You have every reason to skip it. You're already exhausted. You probably couldn't even hold yourself up in a plank if you tried. You can pick it up tomorrow. What's it really going to matter anyway? You'll just tack on an extra day at the end. 

I realized that this mental battle, right there, right then, was what was going to define the next 30 days. It was true, I had every reason to quit. Going through the whole thing would require skipping a shower (ew!) and would still make me a few minutes late for an appointment. Sooooooo tempting! 

Honestly, I don't even know that I made a decision one way or another, but I looked down and saw my feet moving. Okay, I guess we're doing this thing. 60 minutes, I'm gonna die; but I'm gonna die fighting for my health. 

Over dramatic,  you say? Ha! Believe me, it's not. 

That hour (after having already done half an hour of kick-butt stuff) was by far the hardest workout, mental challenge, plain ol thing I have EVER done. There were a few points where involuntary tears popped to my eyes because I was so exhausted; there were times when my muscles literally gave out and I couldn't hold myself up anymore; there were times when I felt like giving up. But each time, I had to remember WHY I am doing what I'm doing. 

It's not just about looking good or having people look at you and say, "hey, you've lost weight! awesome!" It's so much more than that. I took on this challenge to reclaim my health; I made a promise to myself that I would get things back under control; I have a God Almighty who is telling me that I. Am. Worth. It. 

It's not easy getting stronger. You know why? Because before the muscle can build, it has to be torn down. Before anything else can happen, you have to rip things down so that it can be wound tighter and  with more backbone strength than ever before. 

Truth be told, the workout got easier as we went along. Not that the exercises themselves got easier, or my muscles got less tired and I was less drenched in sweat. On the contrary. Everything digs straight down to the deepest muscles and you will shake, be in burn pain, and feel like keeling over. Let's just be honest - you've never done anything this hard. 

But each rep that I pushed through (or even just didn't collapse on the couch, but stood catching my breath), was a victory. Each minute that went by was one minute closer to finishing and being able to look my siblings and myself in the eye and say, "I finished!" I really do believe that each workout feels like a marathon. You almost dread it right before you start, you feel good once you're in it, about halfway through you want to quit more than anything else on planet earth, but once you push past that point you get another endorphin kick and you push through to the end. Then you can look back and be proud and even admit to having even enjoyed it. 

I can't say I'm looking forward to the next 30... er 29 days of workouts. They're going to be tough. Each one will be a challenge. But I AM going to finish. I am going to earn my Insanity T-Shirt!!! 

Keep Pushing!!!